


experiences have a lasting impression

by Cephalopodsalad17



Series: make me think there’s some truth in it [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath, Bottom Steve Rogers, Hair-pulling, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced oral sex, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Past Handler/Asset Relationship, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Recovery, Steve Rogers' Masochistic Tendencies, communication is key, past HYDRA Trash Party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 11:42:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cephalopodsalad17/pseuds/Cephalopodsalad17
Summary: It was over a week before they settled back into their regular rhythms, and Steve hated that a stray thought could do that.A very short piece of more aftermath for Undeniable Plausibility.





	experiences have a lasting impression

**Author's Note:**

> Story and series titles come from "Lie to Me" by Depeche Mode.

Steve _liked_ going to his knees for Bucky. He liked it when Bucky was rough with him. Never very rough, just rough enough to prove that Bucky wasn’t being too careful with him.

On one particular night, Bucky had to carefully tease his left hand free from a significant amount of Steve’s hair and then spend much longer removing broken strands from where they were caught in the joints of his fingers and palm. Nothing was meant to catch like that, so Steve nearly suggested they go to Tony Stark and then was nearly sick at the idea that the situation might in any way echo the first time Steve had taken the asset to the Tech Team.

Bucky looked up and scowled at him. “Stop it,” he said.

“Stop what,” Steve said.

‘Whatever’s got that look on your face,” said Bucky.

Steve looked down and pressed his lips together to keep in the apology while Bucky went back to his… self-maintenance.

It was over a week before they settled back into their regular rhythms, and Steve hated that a stray thought could do that. His therapist said that was the nature of trauma, to pop up when you didn’t want it to and knock you off your feet. What mattered was getting back up again and being better prepared for the next time it happened.

Bucky went back to manhandling him in bed, but not by the hair so much anymore. Steve didn’t ask. The hair-pulling trauma wasn’t his, and he didn’t want to call attention to Bucky’s by doing anything as thoughtless as _asking_ for anything remotely similar.

Something must have given him away, however, because Bucky turned to him some nights later while they were curled on the couch and reconfirmed his place as the bravest man Steve had ever known.

“Steve?” he said.

Steve cracked an eye open and turned his head to lie against Bucky’s thigh. “Yeah, Buck?”

“Do you still want me to hurt you?”

Breath freezing in his lungs, Steve struggled with a response. But his silence said enough.

Bucky sat up, dislodging him in the process, and put his hands on Steve’s shoulders. “Steve,” he said again. “Do you?”

His voice was neutral but questioning, and Steve chanced a glance at his face. He’d gone flat and unreadable again. That expression was pure asset.

“Not exactly,” Steve prevaricated. _Yes_ , but also _no_ , for Bucky’s sake.

The Winter Soldier waited him out.

There was no graceful way to avoid this. “I like it when you’re not careful,” Steve said. “I don’t… I don’t really want you to hurt me. But… if you’re enjoying yourself and what we’re doing gets a little uncomfortable for me… I…” He didn’t want to say _I don’t mind_ and imply he was _taking_ something _for_ Bucky. If he did that, Bucky probably wouldn’t even touch him for a week and rightly so. They didn’t do that anymore.

“You like it,” Bucky stated. “Because it means I’m not being careful.”

Fighting the urge to squirm, Steve found some more words. “And because I like it.” On the other hand, if he did squirm, well, he was practically in Bucky’s lap already.

He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. _No using sexual distraction techniques on each other. We gotta communicate better_. They’d agreed not to do that sort of thing in the interests of having a healthier relationship. Sometimes, like now, that was really fucking irritating.

Opening his eyes, he met Bucky’s eyes for a fraction of an instant and felt his expression crack even as he dropped his gaze. The Winter Soldier’s laser-like focus missed nothing as it seared him alive. Guilt, frustration, arousal, insecurity, self-loathing, longing, desperation… all laid out as clearly as if he’d given his partner a bulleted list.

“Hey,” Bucky soothed, multiple emotions, none of them horror or disgust, clear in his voice. “It’s okay. I’m with you. You’re with me. You can tell me these things.”

Steve exhaled and let Bucky pull him against his chest. “Yeah. I know.”


End file.
